My earliest memory of a compliment is being patted on the head, smiled at, and called a ‘Good Girl.’ I have no recollection of when it was or what I may have done to earn it; all I remember is that it felt very nice to hear myself being addressed as such.
As I grew up, I began identifying what got me the Good Girl tag. Helping people. Putting others first. Not airing my thoughts or displeasure. Sacrificing. Adjusting. Being the eldest child just reinforced these beliefs. Strangely, my parents never introduced these thoughts and beliefs, nor did they encourage them.
A teenage me discovered that the Good Girl tag had lost some of its sheen. I remember coming in late to a friend’s birthday party to find a wedge of cake kept aside for me. As my friend’s Mom offered it to me, someone else beat me to it and took it away, saying, ‘Mayuri wouldn’t mind. She would give it to me herself. She’s a good girl.’. I was heartbroken, and my mind’s voice screamed, ‘I want that cake, and I mind terribly that you took my share!’ but my lips only smiled and agreed with the assumption. I was a Good Girl, after all.
The Good Girl tag was becoming an albatross around my neck. It was choking my voice. While my mind asked me to make a certain choice, my good girl self forced me to choose another one. Being a Good Girl made me lean towards assuring everyone around me was happy even as I found myself unhappier. My heart thudded with anticipation every time I was asked to make a choice, no matter how insignificant or essential it may be, and I always went with ‘whatever worked for everyone’.
Choosing to be a Good Girl
Was making me a people pleaser. This realization took time to manifest, repulsing me when I finally accepted it. I began hating myself when it dawned that what people thought of me mattered greatly. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be loved. I wanted everyone to be happy because of me.
It rarely mattered that my Kindness was taken for granted or mistaken for foolishness. I was being treated like a doormat, despite which I kept doing what I had to or what I thought was required of me. Being a Good Girl was costing me my peace of mind. I had stopped respecting myself.
My wake-up call was when people close to me, whom I had accommodated, adjusted with, and bent backward for, turned around and said, ‘…but we didn’t ask you to’. No matter that they had allowed me to be bent out of shape, with expectations that were never voiced but always expressed and nudged at till I complied.
As I traced the pathway that led to and from being a Good Girl, I realized that all I had was a bunch of regrets. I had let go of varied opportunities. I had missed many people and multiple chances to follow my heart. I had a long list of ‘I wish I had…’, and there were certain things I could never tick off that list.
I wanted to be a Bad Girl: A bad girl who did everything I couldn’t, rather a girl who did everything she wanted to. I realized I was yet again choosing to fit into a slot and live a label.
Shrugging off labels made me realize that we set the tone of expectations people have of us. We teach people how to treat us, what to think of us, and what to label us. Do what you want and live as you wish as long as you are mature enough to bear the consequences of your actions and decisions.
I am working on lessening expectations, even if it means letting people down. I no longer wish to bend backward to please those who will never be happy or do things for those who rarely reciprocate. This new path is not easy, as people are used to the old version of me, the Good Girl, and not everyone applauds or adapts to the changes.
Labels are meant to reign in and shame people who won’t toe the line. We are taught that putting ourselves first is selfish when it is the most sensible thing we could do. Labels are created by society, and we are part of that society.
It feels daunting to live like I want to, without any labels defining me, though ‘Mayuri’ is one label I will stick with for a lifetime.
You have expressed, without regrets or finger pointing, the label phenomena we all deal with. I agree with being label free and making that choice everyday. 🙂
Thank you, Ish.
Well said Mayuri. Just to have that Good Girl tag, people will go to any extent
I hope you read the post right, Suhasini:) This post was not about ‘people’, it was about me:)
I understood your point of view completely Mayuri. I was just remarking about the Good Girl tag. Your post gave me the complete picture as to how you dealt with this labeling, which I could relate to. But I am seeing a totally different side to it in my coaching sessions and that’s where my remark came from. Not to demean your feelings or undermine your post. They are all as brilliant as your earlier posts are.
Then I stand corrected for misinterpreting your comment, Suhasini. Please accept my apologies, and a thank you for explaining it to me.
Thanks for this wonderful post, Mayuri. I think a lot of first borns could relate to this. I could see myself here. Yet again you’ve put things in a simple way about what we must do. I love it
Thank you, Jayanthy.
Wonderful post Mayuri. Can relate so much to what you said here. Loved it.
Glad it resonated with you, Amruta.
I’m glad you chose not to be a bad girl and decided to choose your own definition of who Mayuri wants to be. This was a wonderful read.
Thank you, Suchita.
Well said….Just to have that Good Girl tag, people will go to any extent. … You have expressed, without regrets or finger pointing, the label phenomena we all deal with.
Yashila, it is sad to see that you have copy-pasted two comments shared by different bloggers.
We teach people how to treat us – we set the tone of expectations….such a liberating thought.
Thank you, Jigna.
I have done think through out my life and people have always taken me for granted. I am glad that I am reading something which I always felt but didn’t know how to express. You are speaking my heart . Swati is one label I am choosing to stick with for a lifetime too. Thanks you for writing and sharing this.
Thank you for reading, Swati. I am glad it resonated with you.
In such a great way you have shown what society wants and what most of us acted on that. I personally believe that the good girl and bad girl concept are coming from our patriarchal society where if a girl wants to laugh loudly she might be a bad girl but if you are numb while whipping your tears silently you can be good girl. Last, I loved the Mayuri the way she is….
Thank you for sharing this wonderful insight, Pamela.
So much of this post resonates with me. While i have always been one to speak my mind if asked for my opinion, i always go out of my way for people i really care about. But some bad experiences with so called friends & family have taught me a good lesson. It is a good thing to be kind and helpful to others….even putting their needs before yours. Not everyone can do this. But it is important to understand if we are unhappy doing this…if yes it needs to be voiced. Genuine friends will understand and meet us halfway.
Thank you for sharing your thought, Vasumathi. Yes, genuine friends and family will make an effort to meet us halfway.
Mayuri, with every bit of your post I kept telling me that ohh, this is so me. Even I have faced this situation in life and until I disagree and raise my voice against the wrong, I am a good girl. Now I am a bad girl for many. But I regret of being that good girl at my childhood and teenage. Be yourself and don’t care the world. Really liked how you brought the closer. That ‘Mayuri’ is the only label you want to be with you. So nicely and delicately you have portrayed our inner anguish. Loved it.
I was hoping that I would be speaking for a lot of ‘Good Girls’ out there, who are being choked by this self-afflicted tag. Reading your comment makes me glad that my post hit the mark. Thank you for your constant encouragement, Swarnali.
Very well penned down Mayuri, Judgmental people and society will label us, but we need to be ourselves. Show the world the real ‘YOU’, as You are ‘YOU’ for a good reason.
Thank you, Smita.
Well well..it seemed as if I wrote most of the post except the ending. I was always the good girl..still am actually. In our convent school we had a badge for class first and one for good girl. I never came class first but I always got the good girl badge and my teachers used to make me feel so good about it. Little did I know that I could never shrug it off. I am glad you got rid of the tag. The nuns dinner it in so much that I never could.People pleaser and not saying no sums it up totally. Kudos to you..you rock girl <3
I had a strict Convent school upbringing too, Harjeet. But then I reminded myself that I passed out of school years ago. Had to do this.
So relatable. In the first phase of my life I always tried to be that so-called good girl. Maybe we are being brought up in such a society where we had to do. Then I would feel like being used by my family, friends. Gradually I did change myself and now, I can be able to go beyond any tag and do whatever I feel like doing. It makes me really happy. Anyway, you’ve penned such a negative side of our patriarchal society in such a simple way. Really enjoy your writing.
Thank you, Shreemayee.
What you have expressed through this article is so relatable! Choosing to be a good is a bad choice, specially when after everything you have done you get to hear “we did not ask you to do so” the constant craving to be liked by everyone make you unhappy all the time. It is always better to just be yourself rather than trying to fit always.
Thank you, Shail.
So true Mayuri…expectations in itself is a heavy word. A noose around the self….Been there myself – though I remain the ‘good girl’ whatever that means to xyz but with a ‘delete’ button in place. helps immensely! Wonderful…most relatable.
Thank you, Anjali.
Omg, every line I read was so relatable like me also being the older sibling a lot was expected and in a way experimented upon and the younger one had it a tad easier I guess, and now when I am a bad girl( putting myself first which is not a bad thing) there is so much resistance and judgment. Wish I could tell my younger self to chill out a bit
More power to you, Raunica. Thanks for reading.
So true, Mayuri. We have all been through the “good girl” phase. Particularly in the early years of our lives. The need to be liked by all. To fit in. As we mature, we realize that being liked be damned, our first priority is ourselves. That there is no point in being the “perfect” one if we are not happy at the end of the day.
So agree, Ritu. Our most important relationship is with ourselves.
I relate to this. When I started putting my choices in the forefront, I was labelled selfish. But hey, sometimes you gotta do what you want to do. Period. There are no labels here. Simple things like cooking what you want to eat becomes a big thing because you need to make what others want to eat! I have begun to accept that having my own likes and my own space is good for me. And that is a huge step to take! Especially when you don the role of a wife and a mother.
The more we allow others to label us, the more we second guess our decisions. You do you, Prats.
You are right. How we behave is how people expect us to behave. If you are always good, people start expecting more and more and take you for granted. You have to put your foot down.
Thank you, Madhuji.
So you are saying no to tags at this stage. This seems to be my story. I’m always pleasing people to earn the ‘Good girl’ badge, sacrificing many things along the way.
After reading this, I may gain the courage to leave the tags behind!
Yes, I realized that better late than never!
My daughter faced lait of issues when she was young because of being a good girl. She was hit and bullied at times. But then she found a friend who was a biggest bully but she understood how to defend herself and stand up to what she feels is right for her. May not be the right choice for many but now she has a opinion of her own and knows what to do to keep herself happy.
So glad to know that your daughter learned the key to happiness this young. Kudos to her!
Well written…. A girl can easily relate this post to herself…..after serving to the society and whole family a girl gets to hear that “were you supposed to do that ? ” This question hits in very bad way…..
Thank you, Yashila.
Mind-blowing post, direct dil-se. I resonate with everything you mentioned here…have filtered out a lot of thing in life… I love you the way you are, M!
You know I love you more, Priye. Thank you for reading.
Amazingly written!! And I so agree with it. Sometimes people would go so crazy and do.things out of their way to get tgatbtag
Thanks, Sadvika.
While reading your post, I could only think of the way I was brought up – to be a good girl! And this thing of showing everyone that I was a good girl did not give me any happiness. It was only to show others. Like you rightly said bending backwards to make others happy also doesn’t give any credit to us. People take us for granted. I respect you for the way you are Mayuri. So strong and always true to your self.
Glad you could relate to my post, Simrit. Thank you for the compliment.
You post reminded me of my elder sister. I totally agree that putting our self first is not selfish. Wonderful post and many of us can relate.
Thank you for reading, Abha.
I could relate to this post so much ; we while growing up have been fed up with such ideal notions that inorder to garner praise or make our elders happy we forget what we actually want from our life.
And later on it becomes a habit.
Good or bad or whatever … we must live for us too.
Beautifully penned.
True that, Vashi. Thank you.
Mayuri, your post made me realize, I am proud to be a bad girl. My dad taught me to speak up for my self. Because why we are satisfying peoples need and making them happy they start taking us for granted.
This is so refreshing to read, Monidipa.More power to you!
Mayuri, the thoughts expressed in the post are part of many of our lives. I also do not like to be tagged nor I do it with my kids. When we start labeling we are building a wall for that person and expect them to behave them accordingly, with time and circumstances people evolve and that is missed by most of them. I completely resonated with the incident of piece of cake and people taking for granted; one need to get out of the vicious circle of expectations and assumptions.
Glad you agree, Meenal. Thanks for reading.
I echo your thoughts Mayuri. had been through this hollowness when helping others gets the return of words like “we never asked you to help”, Over the years I learned a good girl for your own is more important than being good for others. No one is going to love or respect me unless I respect my feelings.
Well said, Archana. Thank you for reading.
I’ve been trying to fit to the good girl term during the past and even today unknowingly. But people and situations made me realize that it is okay to not be good if not at all situations and to people, it can for some.
That is a good realization.