Why I traded my double life for the one I love #30ColoursOfLove
Full of life
These are the adjectives attributed to me often, by people who know me offline and online. They hold true too. Well, at least they used to, till a while ago.
A few years ago life took a turn and left me in a place where I had no control over it. The lack of growth lead to a torpor which lead to emotional decay setting in. Stagnancy left me feeling hollow, angry, and bitter. I felt trapped and didn’t know the way out.
All through this phase, I kept up a façade of a happy me and wonderful life, Online, and to most of the people, I knew in real life too.
One day a stranger wrote to me saying that they prayed to have a life like mine. It was a note straight from the heart and reading it felt like a punch in the gut.
I felt like a fraud. What was driving me to want to lead a double life, to paint a false picture? I was not only living a lie but making people believe it too. Who was I trying to impress?
Soul searching meant being honest to myself. No one tells you that honesty makes you mad as hell before it gives you the answers you seek. So, the rage was added to the mix of all the toxic emotions already churning inside me.
We can’t direct people, circumstances, or situations to go our way. The one thing we can direct is us, and that I was I did.
I changed direction.
I made up my mind to not become the circumstances I was trapped in. I realized that validation was not a flavor I enjoyed anymore. I decided to make myself my only focus and began to change within, one step at a time. The journey of self-healing was aided by letting go, affirmations, meditation, and as corny as it may sound, waking up with a smile in my heart no matter what. The first step was the toughest to take but I am glad I found this new path.
I no longer live two lives, there is just this one person I am. Who is wonderful, cheerful, content, positive on the outside, and more importantly on the inside? Nothing around me has changed, but I have.
Loving myself didn’t mean buying a dozen lipsticks or only taking care of how I looked and dressed. Loving myself meant respecting myself. Of not harming myself with self-deprecating thoughts and destructive emotions. Loving myself meant forming and nurturing a relationship with myself, and realizing that I am the only constant in my life.
There is no destination I aim to reach, it is the journey of self-love that is enlightening and enriching.
I have learned to love myself so deeply that every other love in my life is just an accessory to it. I hope you do so too.
This blog post is a part of the Petals of Love Blog Hop hosted by Swarnali Nath
My personal story is an amalgamation of 3 of the 7 very wonderful prompts shared by Swarnali.
Anecdotes, Musings, Real life story based on love
The way you define love
Your Life Lessons From The Journey Of Love